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Sometimes, I can't believe I'm here... that this is my life, this is my school, and these are the people I'm going to spend the next four years with, for the most part. I feel kind of outside of myself, just a little bit. I can't believe how easily I've assimilated at this point. Becoming really involved with the people in my house... forming really advantageous links with them. It's interesting.
Oh goodness, there are so many people milling about today and yesterday and it makes me nervous. And there are two many people talking in this room. Eek. I feel like a child. I'm not involved with any activism-- but how am I supposed to be? I'm on a college campus in the middle of nowhere... what's to protest? I suppose this is a good thing-- that there are minimal negative occurrences going on, but I feel kind of disconnected from the real world--- the ugly world. Because I still feel destined to change it, or talk about it, or whatever. I don't want to lose my desire for that by being comfortable and conveniently placed in a very picturesque location with mostly pleasant, fun individuals.
Well, I guess I won't lose it. I don't know. I feel mildly confused. I miss stirring things up.
sometimes i wish i were an awkward, prepubescent boy.
sometimes i wish i looked like one.
that is all.

mutability is possible.

i need to hear a symphony

I remember attempting to ride a bike, then realizing I was too short for any of the ones in front of Fels... and then letting Meredith ride her own bike, as I kept up running the entire way to Bingham. She was amazed... and after visiting her peer mentor, Emily, she told Rachel the secret of my fast-running success. We headed to Dave, Sally, and Christina's suite... and I played with Scout and hugged Christina. Sara Crow (sp?) the alumni was there with her long, wavy red hair and short stature. Then to the living room--- where Ariel basically passed out on the couch-- recalling the spinning of the room when she closed her eyes. Earlier-- a glass of wine as Rachel, Ariel, and Meredith drank vodka with orange juice. Then some music and pink champagne. Then Santa and more pink champagne and dancing. Then some more people tipsy off their own drinks. Then dancing and cold duck grape champagne with Santa. Then trying to gather up people, leaving notes with Santa. Then some red wine with Santa... jumping around to Alison's mixed cd. Then Ariel talking to her friend, Alex. Then outside talking. Then more red wine with Santa in my room. And dancing to Georgia's CD. Complments to Georgia. Dancing with Georgia. Dancing with Diggy. Dancing with Ariel. Jumping with Santa. Running with Meredith. Rachel telling me she hasn't had sex since January. Meredith telling me she hasn't has sex since March. Me not saying I had sex last weekend. And now... headphones blasting Sleater-Kinney. My mother is coming tomorrow.
If  I could just be with Ilinca all the time... I would never need to drink again. It's not at all that I need to drink, or need a fill-in, I just get caught up in everything just a little bit.
Elisha and I just had a sweet encounter-- claiming we didn't hear each other fucking last weekend. And, seriously, I did not hear her. But I couldn't imagine her not hearing us. Especially because of my very vocal whimpering. But she was also very drunk tonight and slinking down onto my floor, so perhaps she can't recall what she heard or didn't... maybe she's being polite. However, she did compliment the crown adorning my wall. She said I had the best girlfriend ever. Which is so true.
I'm so tired, yet also not at all... quite active. My eyes are stinging with tears that won't come for lack of reason--- or the amplified reason of longing. But I'm not drunk due to any need for coping. It's just something that occurs--- a force of strange nature.
Last night I had a glass of champagne. Then a glass of wine. Then I smoked a lot with Meredith, Sally, and Emily. And slept so very well. Music was therapeutic. Spiraling with colors and thoughts that had shade and swam. And feeling and emotion and touch.

And now I retire to music and closed eyelids.

Oct. 5th, 2007

I keep having these dreams about my grandmother dying. It's so strange because it's not something I think about while I'm awake. I dreamt I was here at Bennington with the normal Felsians-- Ariel, Santa, Meredith... and I was crying like crazy because I didn't want to go to my grandmother's funeral and time was going really slow and really fast and so I was afraid I wouldn't make it to the service even though I was really desperate not to go-- but felt obligated so as not to disappoint my family. I felt so horrible in my dream-- sorrowful and aching. I don't understand why I keep having these dreams. Well, on October 30th, she will have died six years ago. I think this year the 30th is a Tuesday, too, and she died on a Tuesday.
Eh, who knows.

Sep. 20th, 2007

oh  my goodness, why did i decide to come home? it's eerie, awkward... as if i never left. sitting on a bus, remembering the last time i pressed the button for my stop. walking up my stairs. amanda is unchanged, not as big as i'd imagined her to be. georgia was pleasant-- yet before we got on the train she seemed to somehow laugh at almost everyone she saw for some reason or another-- bringing back other lovely memories of similar sit-stalk-and-criticize times. Bleh. We mostly just plugged our ears with headphones for the ride-- I tried to write and came up with "I have lost the will to express myself." ack.

nobody lingers like your hands on my heart

I am awake despite my 8:20 class tomorrow morning. This burst of energy would be especially useful if I decided to use it for scholastic ends like reading the 95 pages due for the very class I have tomorrow morning. But I'd rather sit here with my headphones on, shutting up my head with sound, and writing lucidly for the first time in weeks. I'm making it easier for myself to listen to my instincts-- and they are telling me to neglect reading up on patriarchal reverberations throughout time-- am trying to keep up my mood.
I feel like dancing or hopping around to silly, punky grrrly love songs. And then retreating to bed with the girl to which this sentiment is rewarded. I'm living in my own little world-- a head dizzy with dreamy anticipations of upcoming escapades-- a bedroom, a field, a stage, a tree house, a screening room, a theatre. And then there are the invisible traces of her kisses everywhere... and oh, do I try to remember every single one. Or every place her fingers, fleeting freely moved.
She is the one true, perfect thing I've never ever dreamed of really knowing. And I could be a low, low unproductive, unknown scrappy, shaggy writer living nowhere, nameless, nothing... and be completely fine just having her to lie next to or hold me.
Pinks have never been pinker, nor greens greener, or days brighter than this type of strange, sure clarity I have... having her to look forward to. Or her voice to anticipate in the afternoon or evening. Her squeaks and little hums.
The whole world just disappears.
love love love love love love. today i asked my uncle, "does it make you happy that i'm happy?" and he said, "i don't know, you've been happy about a lot of crazy things in your lifetime." and i said, "but you know how i've always been crazy about people and in love with people in a one-sided way? now she's seriously crazy about me and we're crazy about each other." and he said, "well that just means you're two crazy people being crazy together." he's so silly. this is his way of saying, yes, i am happy for you. i like how talking to her often makes it feel less like we're really far away from each other because recounting everything to her and being informed of everything she's been up to, feeling, etc. makes it like we're together in an otherworldly way. soul soul soul.
she's just so beautiful and perfect. i think my body is just like a vessel for me to show that i love her. jane lecroy said her hands were "her most articulate limbs," and that could signify her as a writer or as a lover or anything. so through art, touch, speech, everything. yay.


sleep, sweet sleep, i took it in, cradled by distant dreams... and now, wondering if i was wrong to choose it over music lessons. i just haven't slept like that in so long... uninterrupted, peaceful, lack of anxiety... nude. my mother was upset about me not going, but i pleaded with her about the sleep... especially because i only slept a handful of hours the night before. and what helps is that i'm just so in love... and it's okay if we can't see each other all the time right now, because it's not the only way we can appreciate each other. i smile to myself all the time, sighing and hopeful of all the times we'll have, and have had. everything we can do. and until then we'll talk, we'll write, we'll bide our time. i don't have many doubts anymore. watching romeo + juliet last night helped me become even more hopeful, even though the storyline is engraved in my mind from popularity anyway. i feel that overwhelming, bursting, blooming, nothing-else-matters highness that they felt. the no-other-love-ever-existed-before-this-or-will feeling. but, as mr. kelly pounded into our memory day-after-day in freshman year, their flaw was too much, too fast. so time isn't negative, and feeling is timeless anyway, so i'm confident. i keep listening to all these songs from the movie, and some that aren't. this really bouncy, poppy, corny song is so cute and perfect:

"you and me song" by the wannadies
I love you Sunday song
The week's not yet begun
And everything is quiet
And it's always...

You and me always, and forever
You and me always, and forever
ba ba ba ba da ba, it was always
You and me always..

and "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead
I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds
You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready

and "Punchdrunk lovesick singalong" by Radiohead
I wrapped you inside my coat
When they came to firebomb the house
I didn't feel pain, 'cause no one can touch me
Now that I'm held in your spell

A beautiful girl
A beautiful girl
Can turn your world into dust

Sell me a car that goes
Sell me a house that stands up
I never cared before
I never cared before
I never cared before
before ...

what i desire will destroy me in the end

"you do it to yourself, you do
and that's what really hurts,
you do it to yourself, just you
you and no one else
you do it to yourself,
you do it to yourself"